Graciously giving and receiving feedback in your love relationship is a communication art requiring continual refinement. Both the person offering feedback and the recipient need to take responsibility for a clean transaction, which can have an ego-effacing effect. Even as seasoned therapists and coaches, married over 50 years, Ruth and I regularly seek to improve our own communication with one another.
I have noticed with many clients that attempts to share feedback devolve into attack, criticism, blaming, or shaming. Appropriately feeling hurt, the recipient typically reacts defensively, leading to an argument that can escalate into a fight. These negative or verbally abusive encounters erode the relationship, especially when commonplace.
Guidelines for Expressing Feedback
Determine if the content of what you’re considering sharing is likely to benefit your partner. In other words, is your genuine intention to be constructive with what you’re about to say?
Decide whether to edit your comments, i.e. if it’s more appropriate to say nothing or deliberate about what specifically to relate.
Consider whether your partner is open to hearing your comments. Unsolicited feedback tends to be unwelcome or off-putting.
Discern the proper time to offer your input.
Own your experience by making direct I statements. Starting with “I,” add words such as perceive..., sense..., feel..., need..., invite..., request.
Your delivery matters a lot, i.e. how you state your feedback. Regulate your tone of voice and refrain from hints, excessive confrontation, sarcasm, exaggeration, and condescending or demeaning remarks. Also avoid harping—belaboring your point(s).
Guidelines for Receiving Feedback
Politely or assertively (not aggressively) tell your partner if you’re open to receiving their input.
Make an effort to accept or reflect on feedback you regard as well intended, even if it upsets you.
If you feel attacked or disagree with the remarks, say so clearly and firmly without a nasty comeback.
Communicate the kind of feedback and presentation you find constructive. Help them distinguish useful comments and acceptable forms of delivery from hurtful or deflating ones.
Model positive feedback for your partner--set a favorable example.
Like all communication, you’ll develop skill with sincere intention and consistent practice.
Toward evolving love,
Your relationship coach,
Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us
Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.
