Reflections on 51 Years of Marriage

June 7th, 2021 marks 51 years of marriage to my truly extraordinary wife Ruth, following 2.5 years of dating. I’m in awe of both the uber-dynamic adventures we’ve shared and how fast the years have flown by! Amidst my cornucopia of memories, I’ll endeavor to hone in on and relate several highlights of our marriage and key lessons that we’ve learned over the decades.

Highlights of Our Marriage

• Foremost, raising three loving, well-balanced adult children and currently having three lively and delightful granddaughters

• Sharing our priority on psycho-spiritual growth, receiving and facilitating countless trainings, and participating in numerous communities, including intensive spiritual ones

• Working together as therapists, coaches, speakers, retreat facilitators, and authors for the past 45 years of our marriage! We co-directed a holistic wellness center, we’ve continually developed and practiced avant-garde methods for decades, and we wrote two of our books together.

• After living in several cities, settling into a home we’ve both loved for the past 35+ years

• Vacationing and traveling really well together to many U.S. states and in various destinations in Canada, Mexico, Europe, Greece, and Israel

Primary Lessons We’ve Gained

• The dramas we played out in our early years together, wild as they often were, didn’t match the power of acquiring solid communication and conflict-resolution skills.

• Choosing to grittily work through turbulent and painful periods, including a few times that we came close to separating, has paid ineffable dividends – we have been greatly enriched through our endurance!

• The value of balancing personal, couple, and family time amidst the challenges of doing so

• Learning to not only tolerate or accept differences in personality and interests, but to actually appreciate many of them

• Discerning when to express versus edit upsets, irritations, and feedback to the other is essential for reconciling harmony with assertion and growth.

Rather than wanting to boast, my intention in sharing these bullet points has been to inspire you. I offer you some tasty morsels for personal introspection and to share with your partner. I hope I have accomplished that in this very brief summary of over a half century with my beloved.

Toward deepening and evolving love,

Your relationship coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored and edited many professional publications, including, most recently, HeartWise: Deepening and Evolving Love Relationships, published in 2021, as well as Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, published in 2014 (both with Ruth Sharon, MS). Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

Hope for Marginalized Male Partners

During my counseling and coaching  practice in recent years, I have worked with an increasing number of men who regularly feel victimized, disenfranchised, or emasculated by their women partners. What I’ve witnessed in serving these men, and often also their wives or girlfriends, is two colliding forces. One of those is men’s confusion about appropriate roles and behavior in this era of relative gender equality. The other is women feeling stronger than they did in the last century, and often emboldened to sharply and angrily express their feelings, needs, desires, and requests. 

Domestic violence, especially by men, is what usually makes the news. Unfortunately, such actions do remain fairly prevalent, particularly during the pandemic. 

However, I’ve listened to countless men report incurring emotional or verbal abuse by their mates. That abuse takes the form of frequent and harsh criticism and blame, worse yet shaming, and/or gaslighting, i.e. emotional manipulation. Most of the latter involves repeated efforts to condemn or guilt the man. 

Bashing via labeling and disparaging overgeneralizations has also often reared its ugly head in guys’ reports of mistreatment. For example, several guys have told me that their wives have angrily remarked, “You’re not a man!” or, “You don’t do a thing to help around the house and with the kids” (even though these men claim to offer a lot of assistance).

Let me be clear. I champion egalitarian relationships and women having power and leadership roles, both inside and outside of their homes. My wife of over 50 years has emerged as an ultra conscious, powerful woman. We have two married daughters who are strong in their own right and who are raising their daughters to be authentically expressive. I consistently advocate for and teach effective communication and constructive conflict resolution skills.

However, I’m witnessing and hearing about many women who routinely deflect self-responsibility for their attitudes and behavior, who reflexively act defensively, and rarely apologize.

In lieu of clean, direct assertive “I” statements, these ladies typically resort to the kinds of demeaning “you” statements to which I previously alluded. Even more painful to many fathers are the ways in which their children model their mothers’ disparaging remarks and marginalize them. 

In short, I’m shocked by the amount of times I learn of the traditional tables turning from male to aggressive female dominance or persistent one-up behavior that leaves men reeling.

I strive to empower marginalized men, while encouraging their partners to gradually resolve the emotional wounds or attachment deficits that catalyze their fear of intimate connection. Contact me to learn more.

Toward evolving love,

Your relationship coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

Sharing Feedback

Graciously giving and receiving feedback in your love relationship is a communication art requiring continual refinement. Both the person offering feedback and the recipient need to take  responsibility for a clean transaction, which can have an ego-effacing effect. Even as seasoned therapists and coaches, married over 50 years, Ruth and I regularly seek to improve our own communication with one another. 

I have noticed with many clients that attempts to share feedback devolve into attack, criticism, blaming, or shaming. Appropriately feeling hurt, the recipient typically reacts defensively, leading to an argument that can escalate into a fight. These negative or verbally abusive encounters erode the relationship, especially when commonplace. 

Guidelines for Expressing Feedback 

• Determine if the content of what you’re considering sharing is likely to benefit your partner. In other words, is your genuine intention to be constructive with what you’re about to say?

• Decide whether to edit your comments, i.e. if it’s more appropriate to say nothing or deliberate about what specifically to relate.

• Consider whether your partner is open to hearing your comments. Unsolicited feedback tends to be unwelcome or off-putting. 

• Discern the proper time to offer your input.

• Own your experience by making direct I statements. Starting with “I,” add words such as perceive..., sense..., feel..., need..., invite..., request. 

• Your delivery matters a lot, i.e. how you state your feedback. Regulate your tone of voice and refrain from hints, excessive confrontation, sarcasm, exaggeration, and condescending or demeaning remarks. Also avoid harping—belaboring your point(s).

Guidelines for Receiving Feedback

• Politely or assertively (not aggressively) tell your partner if you’re open to receiving their input.

• Make an effort to accept or reflect on feedback you regard as well intended, even if it upsets you.

• If you feel attacked or disagree with the remarks, say so clearly and firmly without a nasty comeback.

• Communicate the kind of feedback and presentation you find constructive. Help them distinguish useful comments and acceptable forms of delivery from hurtful or deflating ones. 

• Model positive feedback for your partner--set a favorable example.

Like all communication, you’ll develop skill with sincere intention and consistent practice.

Toward evolving love,

Your relationship coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

Basic Emotions in Relationships: Be HeartWise

As a relationship coach, I often see couples who are learning to process the emotions that arise in day to day life. The good news is, with practice, we can develop understanding and skills to be HeartWise.

Think of a crayon box or paint palette with the primary colors, along with the rainbow of hues created by combining various colors. Emotions are much like that. Each main, primary feeling can have many variations and combinations, which can make decoding quite challenging. Start with the Primary Feelings to gain access to your secret inner world.

Primary Feelings are observable through our body language, tension and health patterns, words, tone, and behaviors. Did you know you have a storehouse of old feelings and unresolved situations? All your history is stored in your body and brain. So when something similar happens, your old feelings are usually triggered. 

Getting to know yourself and your partner in the emotional realm helps you feel so connected, close, and motivated to build trust and safety. Listen to the feeling tone of yourself and your partner. Pay attention to the breathing, posture, tone, and words. Practice accessing your inner wisdom and sensing system so you can detect your and your partner’s feelings.

Primary colors of feelings can be measured on a 1 to 10 scale (10 being filled with that emotion). Let’s learn about MAD, SAD, SCARED, and GLAD.

MAD is the most obvious and most threatening of all the feelings, because it can be loud, scary, out of control, like a fire. You know that you can use fire to simmer food, warm your family on a cold day, or burn down the house... or the entire village. Anger can also be helpful, because it shows you what is bothering you. You can make efforts to correct the problem or injustice when you harness the fire of anger and use it for positive change and effective communication.

A little MAD (1-3) may pop up when you are annoyed, frustrated, dismissed. You may have more MAD (4-7) when you have a repeated situation that is unresolved and keeps appearing. You may get aggravated by others’ poor behavior, by injustices, etc. When you can’t take it anymore and you are at maximum saturation of MAD, you explode or implode (8-10). This can relieve you temporarily (until you load up again and blow). The problem is, you may have left a trail of messes behind you to clean up or put in the pile of other unresolved old or current stuff. MAD can be cumulative and observed as annoyance, irritation, sharp comments, physical energy that can help or harm, resentment, resignation, and depression.

SAD is a watery emotion, as you notice in tears and feeling “welled up” (a lump in your throat or fullness in your heart like the dam may burst). It can be heavy, as in feeling weighed down. SAD shows you what is missing, what hurts, what needs aren’t getting met, as well as grieving a real or perceived loss. You can feel sad about specific events or very general sweeps of your life. When you have an ideal of what you want and you see what is actually happening, your sadness may be triggered. The gap between ideal and real can be heartbreaking. Many of you have experienced difficult or traumatic situations and have much deep sadness stored in your nervous system. Give expression to what is going on. Speak, write, draw, dance, walk, sing, or pray so the energy of sadness can be healed and transformed into healing compassion for others.

FEAR is a shaky feeling, where you feel insecure, scared, worried, anxious, and young. Your gut may be tight, your jaw clenched or your brow furrowed. The fear may be hidden deep inside or can be experienced as unshakeable worry, guilt, or shame. Air may be associated with fear—lots of random and racing thoughts, piling on of demands, confusing and chaotic energy, and fixated stuck patterns. Panic attacks, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors can be so debilitating. 

Fear also shows you your cutting edge. When you take on something new (in your relationship, work, life circumstances), resistance often will show up. What obstacles are in your way of manifesting what you want? Engage with your fear to find out what is going on. Be curious. Ask open ended questions of yourself and your partner. 

Be the CUP to support yourself or partner. When you are scared, give extra compassion and comfort. Create as much safety as you can so your nervous system can calm down. Stress reactions of Fight-Flight-Freeze-Faint can block you from thinking clearly and planning for what is calling you to take action. Fear and excitement are related, so try to harvest the titillation of something new happening to spur you into expressing your fears, building safety under you, then taking action with support. Use your SWORD to cut through stuckness and activate motivation to walk the path toward your desired goals. Cup and sword together brings power, kindness, and clarity.

GLAD is the feeling of relief, release, resolve.You may experience childlike delight, freedom, celebration, gratitude, or accomplishment. Going on vacation, getting a raise, starting a new business, buying a new home, having a baby, having a party, giving or receiving a gift, making love, enjoying a delicious meal, having a touching moment with someone dear or a stranger can all evoke the feeling of happiness and joy. Sense your peace and calm, and begin thinking of this state as a Homebase that you can keep returning to.

Talk with yourself and your partner to be aware. You can practice this exercise when you’re feeling calm so it will be easier to remember when you’re feeling strong emotions:

• What am I feeling right now?

• How much, on a scale of 1 to 10?

• Where do the feelings reside in my body? Breathe to give the feelings space to move and dissipate.

• When I am at low (1-3) numbers, I can… breathe, wash my face, eat something, take a break, etc.

• When I am in the midrange (4-6), I need to stop and gather my energy to calm down and act in a HeartWise manner.  I can get something done, exercise, eat/hydrate, rest.

• When I am reaching maximum saturation of feeling, I may have to discharge with big muscle activity and time alone to “blow off steam.” Quarantine yourself if you are prone to dump your stuff on others.

• Explore your own ideas. Ask yourself, “How do I meet my needs and resolve the situation?” Be proactive and creative. Solutions abound.

Let us know how we can support your HeartWise skills and attitudes. Coaching may be a solution. A laser session can cut through and remedy one specific situation. If you’re looking to do deeper work with broad impact, perhaps a package of six sessions would be helpful to gain more understanding and confidence in managing strong emotions.

Take good care of yourself!

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

---

Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Emotions are Challenging—What Do I Do With Them?

What a challenging time we are living through! Whew. Exhale, my friend. Finding stability in turbulence is a masterful stage of adult development. As we gain skills and confidence in times of uncertainty, we can bestow this legacy on our children and grandchildren. Are you committed to building stability under you, even as the waves of change are rising around us?

I am devoted to taking time for simple practices that stabilize my nervous system, clear out old conditioning and rules, and make space to recreate my world anew in each moment. Powerful, right?

Our sense of safety and security is being jeopardized by the novel coronavirus pandemic, and being isolated at home with “new normals” being created daily. If that isn’t enough, now the racial and social justice tensions are exploding. Wow—reminds me of the 1960s, when I was in high school and college. 

A catalytic time we are living through. Let’s wake up and make the most progress for ourselves and for humanity, as we can.

Emotional stress is a real burden to carry. Most people come to counseling or coaching for  guidance with the emotional realm. Old habits are deeply ingrained. Most of us tuck away feelings for later, when we can make sense of them. This is the “later” you have been avoiding.

We need to be conscious of our mindset, heart, and gut to discern what we are feeling.

We all have an often untapped capacity for feeling and understanding emotions. Learning to be aware of, honor, and work with our own emotions is a real stretch sometimes. Add to that our partner’s (and kids’) emotions—that’s a lot of emotional energy bouncing off the walls of our socially distancing uncertainty!!

Throughout my many decades  of coaching, I’ve found a simple recipe for developing more emotional intelligence, which I call HeartWise™.

You may want to print this out and hang it in a spot where you’ll see it often!

Meet Your Emotions

1. Be aware of your body. 

Emotions express themselves in the physical body, so scan your body regularly to get to know yourself in the emotional realm. “Body scanning” simply means bringing your attention to what’s going on in your body. Start by noticing your breathing. As you slow down, you can become aware of any discomfort or compelling/intense energy that you feel. Accept what you notice, not as a problem, but as a gift in self-awareness.

2. Explore and name the feeling. 

Measure the intensity on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is most intense. 

Experience the feeling—let yourself feel it; explore it; interact with what is going on inside; learn to listen to your inner voice, concerns, and knowing.

Ask, “What is this feeling?”

A sample inner dialogue may sound like this: 

“I am feeling disappointed. 
Oh, when did you start feeling it? (listen for an answer) 
Ok, what was happening that brought this feeling to your attention? (answer) 
Oh, ok, I understand. (Repeat back what you heard) 
You were expecting a raise and your boss said the company is stalling because of Covid economy problems. Not only are you disappointed but also kinda scared about money, mad, or deceived... again.”

Have your own conversation with yourself.

3. Ask yourself: What do I need to gain closure to what is being experienced? 

Take action to resolve the issue that is bothering you in ways that build your relationship (with yourself or others). Ask for support if you desire, from your partner or another skilled person.

In our example, the closure may come as expressing your feelings to a trusted companion, friend, or coach, and then resolving to accept and hopefully forgive the situation and commit to being more patient about your raise. Set your intention to advocate for your raise, or be open to accepting some other financial surprise.

4. Learn to clean out your lifelong storehouse of unresolved emotions. 

Trauma or strong experiences make an imprint in us, that can echo throughout our lives. When we take the time to really listen to the younger self and heal the wounds, then we feel freer. We can lay the foundation for a new belief about ourselves and our world. Often, this is best done with the guidance of a counselor, coach, or mentor. Schedule a consultation with Jim or Ruth Sharon to find out how coaching can help with you with this process.

5. Keep your inner world clean, clear, sacred and whole, with daily practices (ask Ruth or Jim Sharon for practices specifically tailored for your situation and needs). After you clear out some of the stored emotions, fill the space with positive thoughts, visions, and hopes. Affirm, “I am safe. I can handle this, with support.” or whatever relaxes you deeply. Thank yourself for taking the time and focus to remove old stuff that is not helpful right now.

We’d appreciate telling us what you discover! Please leave us your comments here or on our Facebook page.

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

---

Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Aaah, Retreats!

In late February of this year, my wife Ruth and I engaged in a five-day guided, silent retreat, the latest of many similar ones in which we’ve participated. I’ll soon describe that experience. 

Firstly, wordsmith that I am, I want to discuss two contrasting meanings of the word retreat. 

The traditional definition is to withdraw, as when forced to pull back from a military position. 

Another, which is apropos to the kinds of retreats Ruth and I get involved with, is to re-treat, i.e. to once again treat or nourish oneself. Besides having a salient rejuvenating or revitalizing effect, our retreats are designed to promote new insights, perspectives, goal-setting, and deeper connection with the Divine. Thus, these retreats propel us forward, rather than backward, as in the more common definition of the word. 

This last February, Ruth and I were part of a ten-person group that attended a Sufi retreat at a bird haven in Sarasota, Florida that was led by Devi, our spiritual guide of 14 years. Devi, the head of the healing branch of our North American Sufi order, has been facilitating retreats in many parts of the world for about two decades. Each retreatant is assigned their own room in one of several houses on a large property that includes a gorgeous lake, creek, and numerous trees and flowering bushes. Various birds proliferate and turtles are abundant in the lake.

The group met daily at 8:00 am and at 5:00 pm for about a half hour of guided meditation, including an inspirational talk by Devi. Each of us met individually with Devi for 10 to 20 minutes every morning to check in and to receive recommended practices for the day. Most of the retreat was unstructured and left to each of the participants to determine how we wanted to spend the day and night. Eating when we wanted, each of us prepared our own breakfasts and lunches from a lot of healthy (mostly organic) food that was provided; delicious dinners were cooked for us. We upheld silence during meals.

Most of us, myself included, spent a lot of time sitting or walking in nature. We absorbed both macrocosmic and microcosmic sights and sounds, such as on the horizon, and very subtle details, e.g. on flowers or rocks. I enjoyed swimming in a small outdoor pool, despite the chilly water. I was especially mesmerized by the large, graceful birds flying above and sitting in the trees, along with the ultra-peaceful turtles. Up to ten turtles at a time emerged from swimming in the lake to sitting so very still bunched together on a six-foot in diameter circular wire built for them in the center of the lake. A huge array of bright green, leafy trees lined the area all around the lake. Occasionally, I was awed by surprises such as a flock of white egrets crossing a street, seeing a brightly-colored bird, or staring at a mother turtle swimming alongside the one baby turtle I ever spotted.

Engaging in customized Sufi practices, reading a book written by the founder of our Sufi order, and journaling insights and future plans further filled my days and nights. I felt tenderly held and very connected to G-d through most of my retreat! Aaah, indeed!

Ruth and I are now beginning to offer one or two-day guided personal retreats, Doorways to Being, to assist people in suspending their busy (often overactive), stressed lives to make much deeper contact with their inner selves. Go here to learn more about how we can help you create a supportive retreat environment right in your own home. Give yourself the gift of nourishment for your body, mind, heart, and soul!

Toward the One,

Your Relationship Guide,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

Living in the COVID-19 Time

Great changes are taking place on the Earth. We are facing a pandemic unlike any other. How are you faring? What are you learning? Paradoxes galore: I am alone and I am connected. I see the horror and devastation and I am encouraged by the kindness, compassion, and generosity all around me. We are being transformed by a force greater than ourselves. I invite us all to take inventory of who we are each being in this pandemic. 

I am feeling stretched to open up to more possibilities than ever before. My life as I knew it before COVID-19 was full of busyness, go-go-go, working long hours to touch as many people as I can and to prepare for transitioning from counseling to a more online coaching and teaching platform. I felt intense and lit up, yet no time for letting down, for resting, for relaxing, for Being and Becoming.

Time schedules were packed. So many projects and people. I felt so overstimulated, that I was wearing thin. My yoga, exercise, healing, and meditation practices were present but not very deep. I was on maintenance with insidiously slow decline on the horizon. 

I got sick. Yes, moderate COVID-19 symptoms took over. I had to get down, rest, use my healing techniques from a very deep place of surrender, and reevaluate my priorities and life purpose.

Now in the midst of this pandemic, I am notching down, slowing down, resting more, having more time for relaxing, and still getting lots done in creative and satisfying ways. Counseling and coaching online has been a dream come true. I love tuning into people and seeing them in their own environments. Coming HOME is a mantra of mine, and now here we all are!

My home office is now all over my house and yard, instead of just in one location in my house. I am planning an Earth Day garden and wanting to get my hands in the dirt! Virtual classes and gatherings, including birthday parties and Passover Seder, are becoming the new norm! I feel much more introspective, introverted, and intent on cleansing and clearing the road dirt from my life. Purifying myself with meditation and healing practices helps me feel more rested and refreshed. My heart’s desire is to keep starting fresh, accepting what is, being more innocent and present in more moments than before, letting loose of control and trusting more.

What is your intention?

My narration at this point in this historic era of The Great Transformation:

Becoming awake and aware: Be-ing is more balanced with productive/efficient Do-ing.

Moving from wrong-right, bad-good, male-female, in-out dualities to something much greater, more inclusive, more tolerant of opposites co-existing. Moving levels like in a video game. 

Upgrading my programming software to include new wisdom, accessible skill, and helpful knowledge. 

We are all contributing to the wisdom pool of humanity dealing with adversity.

Moving from fear-driven survival tactics to more inclusive ones; accepting, giving, and receiving Love.

At this moment I am feeling my heart pounding in excitement—for spring, new beginnings, the beauty of flowers, birds and sunshine on the green grass, trees and flowers erupting into colors that delight my eyes. The sunlight fills me with peace, wellbeing, and safety. I am protected by the warmth and intensity of the sun’s rays. 

And at the same time, I am saddened by a virus that is sweeping through our global lives in ways that threaten, kill, and terrify us.

And at the same time, I am so grateful that we can come HOME to ourselves, slow down, reorder our priorities, and have opportunities to connect more deeply with ourselves (on all levels), our partners, family, friends, and community. All of us are now taking less for granted, being more grateful, and becoming much more humble.

I loved the ‘70s with our spiritual and simple lifestyle. I have been longing for the ‘70s now that Jim and I are in our 70s! The age of Aquarius is here, as prophesied… Wow! What a catalytic time to be alive.

Please share your process of waking up to the power of being true to yourself and embracing more self care and couple care. Comments are welcome here and on our Facebook Soulful Couples Community page.

Let us know how we can support you. We are offering a coaching special during this challenging time (payment plans are negotiable).

Questions? Email us any time at info@soulfulcouples.com.

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

---

Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

Awakening from My Winter Cave

I just noticed Daylight Savings Time on my calendar and my heart jumped in excitement. Yay, Spring is coming! Yes, I have so enjoyed my winter cave time. And I am ready for Spring! How about you?

I have had a breakthrough this winter. Really slowing down, listening to my body, mind and heart, pacing myself, resting as I need to, and taking a retreat to Florida have been some of the ways I have loved my winter repose. What have you done for yourself this winter? 

Many people tell me that the changing light and shortened days set them into a mild depression. This can change our mood and our ways of relating to others.

Then, just as a bear grumbles and seems grouchy when coming out of the winter slumber, so can humans. Feeling critical, judgmental, and cynical may be signs that you need time to yourself. How about having a mini-retreat to reset your nervous system and come into more harmony with yourself? This may be a good transition from winter into spring.

Here are some helpful guidelines for your mini-retreat:

1. Carve out time and space for just you – no phones, devices, people, or to-do lists.

2. Dedicate 10 minutes – three days – whatever works in your schedule and lifestyle.

3. Have a beginning and an ending to your mini-retreat. Get the support of others so you are not distracted. No calls or interruptions.

4. Make the time and space sacred and meaningful. Symbols and supplies like candles, prayer beads, music, art supplies, or a yoga mat can enhance your experience.

5. Set an intention for this time alone. IDEAS: to breathe more deeply, to relax my mind, to rest or move my body, to tune into something greater than myself, to give thanks, to pray for healing, to send love to others, to clear old resentments, to activate more life energy, etc.

6. Use your journal or recording device to track your intention and what comes up for you.

7. Be as kind and accepting of yourself as you can be.

8. Activate your self-care repertoire to attend to your body, mind, heart, and soul.

9. Gather your learnings into a word or phrase to remind yourself during and after your time alone. Breathe in as you say I am... (or the beginning phrase), then exhale as you complete the sentence. For example: I am relaxing. I am grateful. I am loving, I am loved, I am holy, all is well, life is beautiful, all is connected, I am part of the Oneness, etc.

10.  Your ideas?

Jim Sharon and I are here to support you in your well-being. Taking care of your precious self can enhance your life energy and enliven your relationships. Contact us for practical and inspiring coaching!

Share your comments or photos on our Facebook Soulful Couples Community page.

Watch our Events page for upcoming self-care (Doorways to Being) and couple-care (Grand Openings) private retreats, which we design together.

Questions? Email us any time at info@soulfulcouples.com.

Your Relationship Coach,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

---

Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.

The Energy of Love

February, the love month, most notably celebrated on the Hallmark holiday of Valentine’s Day, is here again. Love is one of, if not the most, common topics in books, articles, movies, songs, and discussions. However, love has so many facets and dimensions that we gain much more from developing heart, gut, and mental wisdom about love through life experience than we do from describing it. 

I assert that the essence of G-d, or the Source of All, is Love and that humans, made in G-d’s image, are hardwired with the basic need to love and be loved. Of course, we all have different propensities for giving and receiving love, but we can continually grow in our capacity to love. While modalities and assessment tools such as astrology, the Enneagram, Myers Briggs, and the “five love languages” can reveal our propensities, each of us is far from limited by whatever characteristics are depicted. An axiom: the more you love yourself, the more love you can genuinely give and graciously receive.

Love is much more beautiful, rich, and meaningful as a verb than as a noun (i.e. just something you hold in your heart). I invite you to explore with your beloved (or with a close family member or friend if you’re not partnered) various ways that you express love. Mention what you perceive about your own expressions and solicit the other’s observations. Doing so can be very mutually affirming and is likely to create some insights and openings for each of you!

Here is a sample of my common, diverse expressions of love:

Toward my wife:  

• Actively supporting Ruth to fulfill her life purposes

• Gentle touches and caresses

• Offering many types of humor; being playful and silly

• Contributing a lot toward house and yard maintenance, cooking, and doing laundry

With my adult children and granddaughters:

• Affirming their qualities and talents

• Doing special activities, including travel, together

• Joining in their chosen forms of play and fantasy

• Engaging in meaningful discussions

In my counseling and coaching practice:

• Being present during interactions with my clients

• Offering compassionate support and authentic, direct feedback

• Asking evocative questions

• Providing different or new perspectives

In my community:

• Facilitating group meditations and healing services

• Preparing dinners for and interacting with vetted homeless people

• Writing newsletter blogs about couples and family relationships

• Facilitating private and group couples events and retreats

I really hope that you follow my suggestion to devote some sustained time to speak with your partner or a close loved one about your many ways of giving love. Please refrain from modeling my terse examples; just let the conversation flow and diverge, while remaining on topic. If you’d like, you could add additional categories of those with whom you relate, such as friends or extended family members.

As always, I’d welcome hearing about your unanticipated reactions or exciting revelations.

Join the conversation on our Facebook Soulful Couples Community Page.

Toward the glory of love!

Your Relationship Coach,

Jim Sharon
(303) 796-7004
jim@energyforlife.us

Jim Sharon, EdD is a licensed psychologist and couples' coach who has over four decades of professional experience serving thousands as a counselor, as a life and relationship coach, and as a seminar and retreat facilitator. Dr. Sharon has authored two books and many professional publications, most recently, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship (with Ruth Sharon, MS), published by SkyLight Paths, 2014. Jim and Ruth have been married since 1970, have raised three adult children, and have three young granddaughters.

It's Never Too Late to Have a First Date

Jim and I were dating in college in 1967. I felt like I had met “my guy” and was so delighted. I was anticipating him asking me out for our New Year’s Eve date when he called before we left campus for the winter break. Instead of asking me out, though, he actually broke up with me on the phone, saying something like, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. We are just too different and it wouldn’t work out.”

Shock ! My heart was broken. I couldn’t speak. I mumbled something and hung up.

When I went home for the holiday break, I felt so sad, hurt, and even depressed. What had happened? I walked around in a daze and had trouble relaxing. I spent New Year’s Eve with my girlfriend and her sister, in their living room, watching the New Year’s ball drop.

When I returned to the winter semester, I was still depressed and, big surprise, I got very sick with a high fever. After weeks of being in the infirmary, burning up and being unable to eat, I drifted off to a gray and lonely place. My parents came to college to take me home after weeks of lethargy and a very swollen sore throat. I finally recovered and returned to school for the spring semester. Entering the student center‘s back to school dance, Jim and I saw each other across the crowded room. We cautiously re-connected and then happily dated, getting engaged in 1969 and married in 1970. I guess we are well suited for each other, despite all the differences!

I have recounted the New Year’s Eve story to Jim many times. He's really good at empathizing that that was hard for me. What was different this year is that he kindly asked me, “How can I help you heal from this traumatic situation?” (FYI, “healing” is my focus word for 2020.) We discussed what would mend my broken heart.

Well, I am happy to report that he asked me out for this 2019-2020 New Year’s Eve in a sweet and genuine manner! I was so touched by his generous offer to do anything I wanted. When I told him my heart's desire, he set off to plan and arrange our special First New Year’s Eve — thus we would have a Do Over!

We got dressed up for our date! Enjoying a lovely dinner at the Mercury Cafe, with accompanying jazz music, we felt romantic and sweet — even tender and new. After leisurely dining, we went to the upstairs venue for a live music concert. Jim and I danced the night away. Such energy and joy kept us up till way after midnight! The night was illuminated with the glory of healing.

The next day I awoke in a relaxed and peaceful mood. As I entered my morning meditation, I noticed a subtle, hidden, protective emotional membrane enclosing me. Had it been here all these years because of the hurt Jim’s sudden rejection had caused? As I remembered the evening we had just spent bringing in 2020, the membrane popped! A newfound freedom to love and be loved! 

After 52 years, I am really healing from that trauma. The subtle membrane was unknown to me. Once it popped, I felt an inner expansion and an outward Hurray!

I am so happy we went through this process. I learned so much.

What is lurking in your subconscious that can be healed now and free you to love and be loved?

One client told me her episode from the past, and we applied various healing techniques to interrupt the pattern and open the way for her current true self to emerge.

It’s never too late to be happy! Shifting old patterns to new awareness can be so empowering. Freeing up more energy for life keeps us young and vibrant!

Let me know how I can support you. Set up your free consultation at www.soulfulcouples.com.

Always,

Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach 
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com

---

Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.