As a relationship coach, I often see couples who are learning to process the emotions that arise in day to day life. The good news is, with practice, we can develop understanding and skills to be HeartWise.
Think of a crayon box or paint palette with the primary colors, along with the rainbow of hues created by combining various colors. Emotions are much like that. Each main, primary feeling can have many variations and combinations, which can make decoding quite challenging. Start with the Primary Feelings to gain access to your secret inner world.
Primary Feelings are observable through our body language, tension and health patterns, words, tone, and behaviors. Did you know you have a storehouse of old feelings and unresolved situations? All your history is stored in your body and brain. So when something similar happens, your old feelings are usually triggered.
Getting to know yourself and your partner in the emotional realm helps you feel so connected, close, and motivated to build trust and safety. Listen to the feeling tone of yourself and your partner. Pay attention to the breathing, posture, tone, and words. Practice accessing your inner wisdom and sensing system so you can detect your and your partner’s feelings.
Primary colors of feelings can be measured on a 1 to 10 scale (10 being filled with that emotion). Let’s learn about MAD, SAD, SCARED, and GLAD.
MAD is the most obvious and most threatening of all the feelings, because it can be loud, scary, out of control, like a fire. You know that you can use fire to simmer food, warm your family on a cold day, or burn down the house... or the entire village. Anger can also be helpful, because it shows you what is bothering you. You can make efforts to correct the problem or injustice when you harness the fire of anger and use it for positive change and effective communication.
A little MAD (1-3) may pop up when you are annoyed, frustrated, dismissed. You may have more MAD (4-7) when you have a repeated situation that is unresolved and keeps appearing. You may get aggravated by others’ poor behavior, by injustices, etc. When you can’t take it anymore and you are at maximum saturation of MAD, you explode or implode (8-10). This can relieve you temporarily (until you load up again and blow). The problem is, you may have left a trail of messes behind you to clean up or put in the pile of other unresolved old or current stuff. MAD can be cumulative and observed as annoyance, irritation, sharp comments, physical energy that can help or harm, resentment, resignation, and depression.
SAD is a watery emotion, as you notice in tears and feeling “welled up” (a lump in your throat or fullness in your heart like the dam may burst). It can be heavy, as in feeling weighed down. SAD shows you what is missing, what hurts, what needs aren’t getting met, as well as grieving a real or perceived loss. You can feel sad about specific events or very general sweeps of your life. When you have an ideal of what you want and you see what is actually happening, your sadness may be triggered. The gap between ideal and real can be heartbreaking. Many of you have experienced difficult or traumatic situations and have much deep sadness stored in your nervous system. Give expression to what is going on. Speak, write, draw, dance, walk, sing, or pray so the energy of sadness can be healed and transformed into healing compassion for others.
FEAR is a shaky feeling, where you feel insecure, scared, worried, anxious, and young. Your gut may be tight, your jaw clenched or your brow furrowed. The fear may be hidden deep inside or can be experienced as unshakeable worry, guilt, or shame. Air may be associated with fear—lots of random and racing thoughts, piling on of demands, confusing and chaotic energy, and fixated stuck patterns. Panic attacks, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors can be so debilitating.
Fear also shows you your cutting edge. When you take on something new (in your relationship, work, life circumstances), resistance often will show up. What obstacles are in your way of manifesting what you want? Engage with your fear to find out what is going on. Be curious. Ask open ended questions of yourself and your partner.
Be the CUP to support yourself or partner. When you are scared, give extra compassion and comfort. Create as much safety as you can so your nervous system can calm down. Stress reactions of Fight-Flight-Freeze-Faint can block you from thinking clearly and planning for what is calling you to take action. Fear and excitement are related, so try to harvest the titillation of something new happening to spur you into expressing your fears, building safety under you, then taking action with support. Use your SWORD to cut through stuckness and activate motivation to walk the path toward your desired goals. Cup and sword together brings power, kindness, and clarity.
GLAD is the feeling of relief, release, resolve.You may experience childlike delight, freedom, celebration, gratitude, or accomplishment. Going on vacation, getting a raise, starting a new business, buying a new home, having a baby, having a party, giving or receiving a gift, making love, enjoying a delicious meal, having a touching moment with someone dear or a stranger can all evoke the feeling of happiness and joy. Sense your peace and calm, and begin thinking of this state as a Homebase that you can keep returning to.
Talk with yourself and your partner to be aware. You can practice this exercise when you’re feeling calm so it will be easier to remember when you’re feeling strong emotions:
What am I feeling right now?
How much, on a scale of 1 to 10?
Where do the feelings reside in my body? Breathe to give the feelings space to move and dissipate.
When I am at low (1-3) numbers, I can… breathe, wash my face, eat something, take a break, etc.
When I am in the midrange (4-6), I need to stop and gather my energy to calm down and act in a HeartWise manner. I can get something done, exercise, eat/hydrate, rest.
When I am reaching maximum saturation of feeling, I may have to discharge with big muscle activity and time alone to “blow off steam.” Quarantine yourself if you are prone to dump your stuff on others.
Explore your own ideas. Ask yourself, “How do I meet my needs and resolve the situation?” Be proactive and creative. Solutions abound.
Let us know how we can support your HeartWise skills and attitudes. Coaching may be a solution. A laser session can cut through and remedy one specific situation. If you’re looking to do deeper work with broad impact, perhaps a package of six sessions would be helpful to gain more understanding and confidence in managing strong emotions.
Take good care of yourself!
Your Relationship Coach,
Ruth Sharon
Lic. Professional Counselor
Wellness and Relationship Coach
www.soulfulcouples.com
ruth@soulfulcouples.com
Ruth Sharon is a relationship coach, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT). Her passion is facilitating couples to enhance the vitality of their relationship and make healthy lifestyle choices. Ruth shares her wisdom, compassion and humor with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Ruth and her husband, who have been married since 1970, co-authored Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship, SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2014. They are delighted to offer coaching for couples and singles, in person and virtually, as well as transformative couples’ retreats, seminars and online courses.
